Satire: How to radicalize a political party in four steps

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Mauricio Mascaro/Pexels

With these simple steps your political party will be on top in no time!

The year is 2016 and you are a political figurehead, influencer or politician who is looking to score some voters for the upcoming election.    

Nobody could have predicted what was going to happen up to this point and after a long and arduous road, the candidates have been thinned down to the woman that practically represents the establishment and a chaotic political outsider. 

But you see the writing on the walls. This new guy has thrown the playbook out of the window. 

Trying to convert red voters to blue or blue voters to red doesn’t win elections. A president for all doesn’t win elections. Being the bipartisan candidate doesn’t win elections.

What wins elections are passionate voters. Voters that stick to their base and will go out and fight for their candidate. People that will show up on election day and vote. 

You can’t waste time focusing on the maybes, you need to attend to your people and make sure they’re fired up.    

So how are you going to do that? How are you going to radicalize your party?

Here is what you should say.

 

Step 1: Play the victim

Everybody hates us. 

The Democrats want to take away our freedom of speech and hate us for simply being white men. We are being oppressed through biased media. 

The Republicans want to take away our rights because they are racist and sexist. Democrats are being oppressed by the patriarchy loving white supremacists.

Everybody hates us because we are right. We are a political revolution and sometimes that means having enemies. We are oppressed and we need to isolate ourselves from them. If they challenge our ideas do not discuss with them because they are only doing so in bad faith. They hate us because they are afraid of our ideas. We are being oppressed because they know we are right.

We are the victims.

 

Step 2: Demonize, demonize demonize!

Anybody who votes red is a racist homophobe who spews euphemisms to hide their closeted racism. If you vote for Trump you have to support ALL of his policies AND his character.

Anybody who votes blue is a radical snowflake who wants to destroy America’s long-standing systems. If you vote for Hillary you have to support ALL of her policies AND her character.

These people are just uneducated. If they took the time to educate themselves they might understand.

Any Republican you disagree with is just a hate speech spewing racist.

Any Democrat you disagree with is just a snowflake kid who doesn’t know anything about real politics.

These people aren’t smart enough to see the lies that their figureheads are brainwashing them with.

We are the truth.

 

Step 3: Dismiss the Other Side’s Beliefs and Feelings (or demonize part 2)

Democrats don’t really believe what they say. It is more likely that half of the country are socialist crybabies than the possibility there could be multiple factors including where you were born, your race, your religion, or your income that influence how you vote. 

They must be radical feminists. Definitely don’t shy away from telling them that they are a radical feminist if they disagree with you. No, they don’t even have a reason to support Hillary. They use identity politics to cover up for their lack of a real plan and their faulty logic.

Republicans don’t really believe what they say. It is more likely that half of the country are homophobic racists than the possibility there could be multiple factors including where you were born, your race, your religion, or your income that influence how you vote. They must be white supremacists. Definitely don’t shy away from telling them that they are a white supremacist if they disagree with you. No, they don’t even have a reason to support Trump. They use religion to cover up for their homophobia and hate.

Anyone who disagrees with us must be willfully ignorant. It’s not possible that they might have a valid reason based on multiple factors to support their candidate. They know we are right. 

We are the future.

  

Step 4: Toleration is overrated.

There is so much at stake in this election. 

Remember what we told you? If you vote Trump you are a racist. If you vote Hillary you are reinstating the establishment. 

There is too much at stake to tolerate. They can’t disagree with us. That’s hate speech. They are going to take away our rights. 

The other side is so intolerant of other ideas we can’t let them win. They are going to throw this country down the drain. 

Remember, you can’t just believe some of it, you have to believe all of it because not believing all of it would be admitting that your candidate could be wrong. 

We have to oppose them because they HATE us. 

We are right.

 

Congratulations, you’ve successfully radicalized your political party. It may have created a political civil war, but it probably won’t last the next four years. I’m sure everything will turn out okay because after all, you’re fighting for the right cause.

We are the victims.

We are the truth.

We are the future.

We are right.

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