Satire: Empathy is the problem with this country

“I have a dream, that one day this nation will rise up and live out the meaning of its creed… screw you, I got mine!”

These noble words, uttered by Martin Luther King, perfectly encapsulate the problem with America today: people have too much empathy for one another. 

You should suppress your inner desire to be kind. The world is harsh, and if someone needs help, walk away. It’s what a True American would do. If someone is immunocompromised and reliant on you to get vaccinated, it’s their own fault for not being able to take care of themselves. Don’t do your duty and protect them. They’re acting anyway, playing on your human desire to be kind, but that’s un-American.

Not just with the pandemic—helping your fellow man or accepting minor inconveniences for the greater good in any way are socialist ideas that threaten the fabric of this country. Reject Marxist ideals like saving lives, liberal hoaxes like selflessness and bleeding-heart wishfulness.

People have absolutely no obligation to anyone else to respect their wishes, or treat them nicely. You don’t even have any obligation to share the same basic facts as anyone else—make your own! Nobody can stop you from exercising your God-given right to be a stupid, selfish moron.

Wear a mask to protect yourself and others? That’s exactly what they want you to do, so they can enact their agenda. Who’s they? Fauci? The CCP? Jews? The FBI? Antifa? Anyone who disagrees with you? All of the above, doublethink! 

Take a vaccine to protect people? No, no. Ignore the legal/historical precedent for vaccine mandates. It’s all a conspiracy to rob you of your freedom or something!

Simply act like a decent person? America was built on every man for himself! That’s why the opening to the Constitution outlines the government’s duty to “promote the general welfare.” So remember to decry welfare programs as against the Founding Fathers’ wishes!

Indulging your selfishness is the greatest thing a True American can do. That’s why the recent election was so close, because one actual, real-life demon from the fires of Hell—it’s true, that’s what Facebook told me—ran on the traitorous ideals of centrism and decency. The other candidate—the Second Coming of Christ, sent by God to save this country—ran on the fire-brand movement of “saying things as they are!” and unapologetic narcissism. Unfortunately, the insidious forces of temperance, civility, and humility stole the election… somehow… and the evidence for it is… somewhere. 

Instead of making basic sacrifices that save lives, be like anti-vaxxers—those True Americansand opt for thuggery, arrogance, and ridiculous lies. Yell in school board meetings across the nation, bully and intimidate board members into submissionlet there be no low to which you will not sink to get your way! Fight tooth and nail against obligated morality! Standing up for your right to screw over other people is a noble thing to do. Yes, Heidi Hall! Make baseless comparisons to the Holocaust and protective COVID-19 measures—gassing people in death camps just as morally repugnant as asking someone to wear a mask. We here who stand up for the constitutional right to be selfish salute you, and recognize a fellow True American™. Those libs are the same people “who would have turned Anne Frank in.” A little propaganda goes a long way, doesn’t it?

Empathy is the real disease wracking America. But thankfully, noble heroes like Heidi Hall are willing to stand up and be horrible scumbags in the name of the entitled and loud minority this country was founded on. 

Remember always: be a selfish bastard, spread lies, and never care for others’ suffering.

Because that’s what a True American™ would do.