Satire: Tips to get hired immediately

The bell rings above you as you enter the restaurant. The activity is low as it is just after the lunch rush. The hostess offers you a menu before you stop her and ask about the open position. She takes you to the general manager who sets up the date for your interview.

If you’ve never been interviewed, the etiquette and process may be foreign to you. Here are some tips and tricks to help you during your job interview. You may even get hired immediately.

Tip #1: Don’t Worry

No matter the position, the interviewer is not going to make a big effort before your arrival. So don’t worry about it! There is no     need to prepare for the interview questions or the job’s atmosphere. This saves time for more important things like watching a football game.

Tip #2: Messy Dress

Especially if your interview is early in the morning, you’re not going to have the energy to pick out a nice blouse. So save that energy by throwing on a pair of sweatpants or even stay in your pajamas. You’ll need the vigor later for your listening skills.

Tip #3: Tick Tock

This may seem obvious but it should be stated anyway. Late is on time. The time agreed on for your interview is more of a suggestion. They’ll think you have incredible influence and leadership skills, taking charge of situations. So get those few extra minutes of sleep or finish that episode of “Riverdale.” 

Tip #4: Listening Skills

Whether your interview is in an empty white room or a busy office, it’s best to pay attention to every little noise and movement. Don’t be afraid to tune out the interviewer. You don’t want to miss your mom’s phone call asking about dinner or the drama of the client behind you.

Tip #5: Boring!

Your potential future boss doesn’t want to hear about your 4.0 GPA or the thousand hours of volunteer hours you have. It’s nothing they haven’t heard before and it’ll bore them to sleep. Stick to sharing the simple stuff such as your morning routine or how many pets you have. Now that’s interesting!

Tip #6: Streeeetch

If the interviewer does ask you a question, don’t be short and direct. Try to add as many words, pauses and backtracking as possible. Rambling about the little details of your life is perfect as well, especially if they didn’t ask. This will portray an air of thoughtfulness, making you an even more credible candidate. You’re doing great if they try to interrupt, as that means they want you to go on.

Tip #7: Don’t Worry Pt. 2

If your potential employer doesn’t let you know you got the position right then and there, don’t be nervous. They are most likely allowing all the interviewees to at least feel like they have a chance. Go out and have a ball! Grab some ice cream from your local shop and take a seat on a bench in your neighborhood park while you wait for the email saying you’re hired.