Granite Bay Today

Satire: School gets rid of men’s room air fresheners

A new solution has been discovered

Will Anderson, News Editor

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  The musky smell of male excrement destroys millions of innocent bathrooms every year.

  However, officials at one high school thinks they have a solution that could save the nostrils of an entire generation.

  It all started when two brothers – head custodian Ted Simmons and district facilities manager Rick Simmons – saw a faint puff of smoke and heard a muffled cough in the boys’ restroom on the east side of the Shabooty Senior High campus.

  Multiple eyewitness accounts confirm that the Simmons brothers requested  the disgruntled freshman repeat whatever he just did in the far stall, except at a more frequent pace.

  Sure enough, the stench was eliminated from the bathroom and all that was left was the crisp combination of H20, Super Rush Sour Kiwi Sugar Blast flavoring, propylene glycol, vegetable glycerin and nicotine – vape juice for short.

  “That’s when it hit us,” Ted said, “and I’m not talking about the buzz.”

  The two examined their previous methods of removing the horrific bathroom stench and realized they had it all wrong.

  “Back in ’06, we had a great run with some toxic chemicals in the east side bathrooms, but we realized it only worked because no one could actually enter the stalls without being knocked out cold,” Rick said. “That caused the library bathroom to take a turn for the worse.”

  The extensive list of methods was highlighted by garlic, bleach, old socks and a dead corpse – some meant to eliminate the odor, some meant to distract people from the odor and others to scare the living wits out of the odor.   

  “Some people use Febreze or complex ventilation systems, but those can cost a facility like ours a fortune,” Ted explained. “We figured why not just use the lungs and bank accounts of our own student body?”

  Shabooty High now provides the Puff Puff Pass Elective which is a class offered during first period of either semester earning students significant college credit.

  The class is centered around students inhaling the vaporizer and then releasing the distinct and delightful scent of vape juice into the rafters of the men’s restrooms.

  “It seemed best to be offered during first period because it stops any smelly molecules from even entering the bathrooms – it just starts the day off right,” assistant schedule coordinator and office administrator Sue Thompson said.

  Thompson compared the benefits of the first period elective to having P.E. at the start of the day because it’s “a breath of fresh air that most students wish they could have.”

  Social studies teacher Patrick Jones has noticed a monumental drop in his second period class’ overall performance, but he acknowledges how important the work of these students is.

  When asked about his personal opinion on the elective, Jones was relatively enthusiastic – especially since the east side bathrooms are only a few feet from his room.

  “Would you rather walk a half mile across campus to the barren wasteland that is the library bathrooms or get a quick nicotine buzz while visiting the ole porcelain palace near your own room?” Jones asked rhetorically.      

  Students are selected for the Puff Puff Pass Elective through various merit-based ranking such as lung capacity, e-cig size and who has the most clout.

  Clout is a synonym to the 2009 slang word “Swag” – usually an individual has clout when they have acquired large amounts of currency, are fairly popular and are an overall successful human being.

  “Chad Smith is usually my favorite bathroom puffer, for obvious reasons,” Chad’s girlfriend Britney Johnson said.

  Smith is the captain of the football team, president and founder of the Clout Club, has a 2.6 GPA and has a fake ID.

  “We usually look for students who don’t have as much of a future as say maybe our ‘academic elite’ do,” principal Gene Tomlinson said. “Ideally we select students that are clearly peaking in high school. That’s basically the demographic we aim for.

  “A wise man once told me, once you hit rock bottom you can only go up. And thankfully, for these kids, we are hitting rock bottom for them. It’s like a spring board into life – the kids can only go up from here.”           

1 Comment

One Response to “Satire: School gets rid of men’s room air fresheners”

  1. Praise on April 26th, 2018 12:08 pm

    When will the Puff Puff Pass elective be offered at GBHS and how do I acquire more clout fast enough to be able to take part in such a high quality course?

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Satire: School gets rid of men’s room air fresheners