Satire: How to Deal with School Anxiety

Almost all high school students are familiar with the pressure that school elicits. For some teenagers, their anxiety levels are manageable, but for others, it can be overpowering. There is hope, however. There are many effective techniques for calming nerves and getting through school; below I have listed ten.

1. Go on a run
Studies have shown that endorphins, which are released through physical activity and exercise, reduce stress and anxiety in most situations. Going on a run is a great way to get these good chemicals pumping. Even if you don’t feel like going outside and getting sweaty, you won’t regret it afterwards!

2. Deep breaths
Deep breathing is a commonly suggested and criminally overlooked strategy to reduce anxiety. A lot of people shy away from actually trying because the phrase “just breathe” can be used condescendingly, but the technique can be quite successful. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork, maybe try starting with deep breathing, even if it isn’t always the perfect solution.

3. Develop Coping Mechanisms
When I say coping mechanisms, I’m talking funky! Everybody is different— in other words, everybody functions differently, which is why stress management techniques should vary in effectiveness from person to person. Coping mechanisms can range from odd hobbies to committing second degree arson (just kidding, please don’t do that).

4. BJST: Beef Jerky Skin Technique
The most technologically versed scientists in the Anxious Student Association (ASA) have created a groundbreaking technique known as the Beef Jerky Skin Technique. Before the BJST surfaced, there was nothing quite as powerful at relieving anxiety as before. The technique is as simple as it sounds: bite your fingernails like they’re premium gas station beef jerky!

5. Summon a ghost
I know, I know, this may seem counter productive. But as it turns out, most ghosts are concerned with the wellbeing of their living counterparts. Take Bloody Mary, for example: she doesn’t show up in your mirror for no reason. She empathizes with the self-hatred you feel when you look at yourself, but she can’t possibly help her unless you summon her into existence!

6. Punch a wall
If you’re out of options, and breathing techniques aren’t working to calm you down, you may want to try the opposite. Let out the rage, dear friend. Take it out on something! Not on a person, of course, unless you suck. Videos upon videos on the internet feature people punching their walls out of anger— why not try it out of anxiety? Maybe you’ll even go viral and make some extra cash!

7. Just stop
If you’re a worrier, especially when it comes to school and grades, you’ve most likely been told at some point of your life to “just stop worrying”. Silly, right? No! Just stop. Are you panicking? Just stop. You can’t control those intrusive thoughts? Just stop! Are you overwhelmed with homework? Just stop! It’s as simple as it sounds; just stop doing the thing.

8. OR: Accept your ever-impending doom
A lot of students who are anxious about school feel as though everything is going to come crashing down. It is easy to wave off these concerns because, well, they’re irrational, right? Maybe not. Perhaps it is time to finally accept your ever impending doom. The end of the world is coming, and your D+ in math is going to cause it all.

9. Spiral into your uncontrollable, cataclysmic downfall!
Accepting doom is one thing: facing it is another. That lone F in flaring red ink has caused your downfall. Your spooky villain arc starts in the classroom. Screams and fainting spells break out when you reveal your failure to the others in your classroom. Embrace the fact that your single academic slip up is totally going to ruin the rest of your life. There’s no going back from making normal, human mistakes.

10. Chew gum
Another overlooked but extremely effective stress-reliever is chewing gum! Not a lot of teachers allow it in class, but it is a feasible, at home remedy for school anxiety. You can chew gum while doing homework, writing an essay, studying or even reading. It can help regulate your emotions as you press through the school day.