Store: Walmart Neighborhood Market

Item: Totino’s Pizza Rolls three cheese

Price: $4.29

Quick Take: Pizza rolls haven’t earned their hype due to the fact that they lack good flavor and a good “crust”.

Rating: 1/5 stars

When I got home after school, I was ready to eat some tasty pizza rolls. I would later be sorely disappointed by the garbage that is Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

I cooked my pizza rolls for 10 minutes in the oven, as was instructed by the Totino’s Pizza Roll package, and let them cool for two minutes.

The first issue I experienced was that my mouth felt like it was on fire the second I bit into a seemingly innocent pizza roll.

It does state on the package to be careful because they may be warm, but I felt that I deserved a better warning for what my mouth was about to feel.

I would like to note that I had no choice but to purchase a two pound bag of pizza rolls, there were no other options at Walmart. 

The exterior “crust” of the pizza rolls was not crispy nor doughy (which are the two desirable types of pizza crust). It was instead chewy and thin, it was more reminiscent of cardboard than pizza crust.

The cheese and marinara combination within the pizza rolls was moderately enjoyable at times, but it left me with an aftertaste that I can only describe as how I imagine the floor of a chemistry lab tastes.

This isn’t surprising considering that a large amount of the ingredients on the (extremely long) ingredients list are just chemicals. 

As a matter of fact, there were 99 ingredients on the ingredients list (including the individual ingredients in their vegetable oil and cheese, but still that is a LOT of ingredients) including potassium sorbate, sodium aluminum phosphate and zinc oxide.

Zinc oxide is an ingredient in sunscreen, so that really enhanced my opinion on these pizza rolls.

I didn’t expect for Totino’s Pizza Rolls to be organic, healthy or even free of food coloring; but I at least expected for there to be less than 50 ingredients.

My final grievance with the pizza rolls was that they would occasionally burst when I bit into them, causing hot pizza roll innards to land on my fingers.

I now have a bag of Totino’s Pizza Rolls in my freezer that will probably never be eaten.

I’m sorry to hate so heavily on Totino’s Pizza Rolls, but it’s my duty as a journalist to give the facts.

The facts are that Totino’s Pizza Rolls are absolutely terrible.