A satirical take on the infamous senioritis

Illness could be cured as soon as 2017


  Editor’s note: The following research and studies have been conducted through numerous credible sources such as Ask.com and Yahoo Answers.

  Doctors across the nation are proposing a vaccine to be paired with annual flu shots for students entering their senior year of high school.

  The vaccine will supposedly eliminate all symptoms of senioritis and might even terminate the illness as we know it.

  To discover more on the issue, doctors in Southern Albuquerque and students attending school in the regions in which those doctors work were surveyed – the results were alarming.

  Out of the four doctors surveyed, 96 percent said the vaccine should be required, by law, for any high school senior attending a public school campus in the 2017-18 academic year.   

  Conclusively, the SAPD (Southern Albuquerque Police Department) issued a press release that listed the following reasons as to why the vaccination should be a nationwide prerequisite for students entering their senior year of high school.

  “As a community, and more importantly as a country,” Officer Jeffery Daniels said, “we must come together to end senioritis.

  “The research has been done, the evidence is clear …  millions of seniors are suffering day in and day out,” Daniels continued. “And that is a reality that none of us want to live in.”

  Just last week, news broke of a pair of twins in Orlando, Florida, who were not given more time to makeup the assignments they missed on their senior ditch day.

  “Teachers won’t even let these children breathe, and the consequences are simply too harsh,” lead scientist Julie Downing said in regards to the nation’s general misunderstanding of teenagers.

  Senioritis is defined by some as a “general laziness” and by others as a “preconceived misconception that you just wouldn’t understand” – either way, it cannot be ignored.

  The lethal epidemic saw its greatest spike in the graduating classes of 1999 to 2015. The birth years of these classes ranged between 1981 to 1997, also known as the millennial generation.

  “I get up to 14 different patients a day, all suffering from senioritis,” Dr. Randall Johnson said. “A discovery such as this vaccination was inevitable, but when the news finally broke, I was brought to tears.”

  Johnson has dedicated a total of three hours worth of studies to senioritis and is a known advocate for the commercial usage of the recently discovered vaccine.

  “Above all else, we must ensure the safety, care and understanding of the teenage mind – this vaccine allows that to happen,” Johnson said.

  As for a push for involvement at the federal level, a petition has been signed by more than 200,000,000 American citizens to make this hope a reality.

  “The facts are real, the conditions are real, the pain is real,” Johnson said.

  As for any federal action, the White House has not yet commented.