Stores are filled to the brim with chocolate hearts and roses as the dreaded Valentine’s Day rears its heart-shaped head, reminding the romantically-challenged that they are in fact alone again this year. Couples, relentlessly infatuated with each other, are pressured to comply with capitalism’s hunger for grand gestures and pricey dates. Well I say enough is enough— it’s time to cancel this wretched holiday.
Love isn’t Worth your Time, or your Money
Valentine’s Day traps couples in an overpriced cycle of stupid dates and expensive jewelry, while the ‘singles’ are forced to watch alone. Studies (which I may or may not have just made up) show that this holiday results in 75% of bad first-date decisions, 62% of regrettable “U up?” texts, and 97% of rushed purchases of smushed roses from the nearest gas station. Why do we keep up this façade of enjoying a holiday that forces us to partake in heart-based menu items and mandatory hand holding?
Chocolate is Bad for you Anyway
Stores are overflowing with bad chocolate in heart-shaped plastic. I mean, come on, who wants to eat fruit fillings in their dessert anyway—you might as well partake and buy your partner a box of goodies, right? WRONG. That’s exactly what Big Chocolate™ wants you to think. But do you ever stop and wonder who’s supplying these massive amounts of chocolate? The dark world of chocolate farming is an infamous playground for the shady happenings of the cocoa empire and you’re not even aware of them. Who’s coming up with these horrendous flavors? Who chooses the most blinding shades of red and pink for the packaging? And most importantly, why is there always one piece of chocolate with a mysterious filling? These are the questions Big Chocolate™ doesn’t want you asking.
Free the Burdened Singles
Singles live peacefully until February 14th rolls around. The masses of single people are visually assaulted by hearts and stuffed animals holding little “I love you” signs in curly letters all day and are expected to just quietly comply. Even worse, when I go to curl up in bed and watch a movie with me, myself, and I, I can’t even find something that isn’t a sappy rom-com. Like I get it, I’m single, but watching a badly written, cliché-filled Hallmark movie isn’t going to fill the blackhole-void of singleness.
A Holiday Built on Lies
Corporate scheming has overtaken this holiday with the intentions of maximizing profits through the exploitations of desperate romantics, all while reducing the holiday to an Instagram post captioned, “I tripped and fell in love with you 💘” which is enough to make Cupid himself gag. Because let’s not forget where this holiday came from—a Roman holiday where men would sacrifice a goat and a dog only to whip a woman with the hides of those animals under the belief that she would become fertile. Just a little reminder that this holiday wasn’t just hearts and hand-holding, it was a bit bloodier. At least the Romans were honest about their intentions through the chaos–—modern Valentine’s Day just covers it up with cards and pastels.
Solution: Rebrand
In order to stop the rush of excuses you tell your taken friends when asked, “Do you have any plans with anyone special for tonight?” and to stop the profiting off of young lovers buying each other little cards, because you know the rulers of the greeting card industry are laughing their way to the bank, we must rise up together to end this horrible holiday once and for all. We must liberate ourselves from this day of forced affection and we can do so by transforming it into a day of self-love. Want to get a pizza and not share? Go for it. Want to not do anything but wallow in self pity? Do that too.
Conclusion: Cancel Love (Or at Least the Holiday)
If not canceling the holiday for the singles, cancel the holiday for the poor guy who forgot to make a dinner reservation and is now sleeping on the couch. This day, and all of its heart-shaped traditions, has got to go. But hey, maybe you don’t agree with me, but it’s not like anyone got you a pink teddy bear.
